If your friend or perhaps family member has shared their infertility struggles with you, it’s likely that you may not know what to say. It’s something very personal and saying the wrong thing can leave your friend feeling worse than she already does.
So, today I’m sharing a few things to avoid saying in case you are ever left speechless and don’t know how to approach them the next time you see them. Because trust me, I’ve heard A LOT! And I know they don’t have ill intentions, but it doesn’t make them less hurtful.
DON’T to say…
- “Just relax, you’re trying too hard.”
- This is probably the comment we’ve heard the most and probably the most frustrating one too. Typically people who say this, haven’t struggled with trying to conceive so they really don’t understand how hard it really is. Besides, relaxing isn’t the solution…sometimes there are actual medical issues going on.
DON’T to say…
- “Are you pregnant yet?”
- Not only does it sound inconsiderate, but it reminds us that yet another month has passed and still nothing.
DON’T to say…
- “If you just lost a few pounds it would probably happen.”
- Just don’t go there…just don’t. Plain and simple.
DON’T to say…
- “Why don’t you just adopt?”
- Well, first of all, adopting doesn’t help with the pain of infertility. Second of all, some people don’t have the finances to adopt, or they simply want a biological baby. Adoption is very, very expensive.
DON’T to say…
- “You wouldn’t know; you don’t have kids.”
- Just kick a woman while she’s down. This comment is just plain rude, maybe they’ve said it without realizing they actually said it, nonetheless, it doesn’t take the pain away.
DON’T to say…
- “You can have my kids.”
- This comment not only devalues the blessing it is to be parents but it implies that “borrowing” children would resolve the grief of infertility.
DON’T to say…
- “Maybe you aren’t meant to be parents.”
- Boy does this one hurt, bad! And, if this was true, how can one explain the fact that abusive parents get to have children? No one knows why bad things happen to good people.
Instead, be there for them, be someone they can talk to and trust. Have conversations that aren’t centered around babies, go out for lunch and have a girl’s day every once in awhile, and don’t forget to check in on them during special days (Mother’s Day, miscarriage date, babies due date.) Be genuinely interested. Also, be understanding if they decide to opt out of baby showers and such, it’s a very emotional time for them. Lastly, put yourself in their shoes. Imagine being told you might not ever be able to conceive, when your only dream is to one day be a mom.
These are just a few of the comments that I have heard.
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“I am learning to trust the journey even when I do not understand it.” — Mila Bron
Linking up with Jessi from Jessi’s Design and Jenn from Going the Distance for What’s Hap-pinning Wednesday.
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