One night I was catching up on social media like I normally do every night, when suddenly I scrolled into a picture I have longed to one day be able to share with my husband and family. A perfect little sonogram. I smiled because it truly warms my heart to see friends grow their families. It makes me so happy to see their happiness radiate.
But not even 5 minutes later, I rolled over and cried…silently, because I didn’t want to wake my husband who was peacefully sleeping.
In the dark, I cried…until I fell asleep.
You see, I wasn’t crying because of the pregnancy announcement. I wasn’t crying because I was mad, sad or frustrated at our friends.
I was crying because I was sad for me…sad for my husband. It was a reminder of our painful journey. Flashbacks of seeing our sweet babies on the ultrasound monitor flooded my mind. The pain of going through a terrible miscarriage. It was a reminder of something my husband and I have prayed for for many years.
It’s an indescribable pain. It’s a physical, emotional, and exhausting pain.
It is a pain that I wish nobody had to suffer.
Today, I want to share with you what life with infertility is really like…at least for me.
I am truly happy for pregnant women.
I share your happiness and joy. It makes me happy to see YOU so happy. I don’t want people to avoid sharing the news with me because I’m suffering. Which brings me to my next point…
It hurts when people avoid sharing their news.
If you are my friend, I want to hear the good news from you, I don’t want to hear about it from others. It makes me feel like you were nervous or scared to tell me. The longer you avoid me or keep it a secret, the more it hurts.
It’s hard to make/keep friends as a childless couple.
It may sound strange, but making and keeping friends as a childless couple is hard. It isn’t as difficult for the male, I’ll admit. But most women bond over their children, they have play dates, they share stories and experiences with each other. What do I have to offer? A story about my dog?! It’s not the same. All of my friends have children, I’ve shared many moments with them, but overtime things begin to change and they slowly drift away.
Sometimes, jealousy takes over.
It’s not something I can control…but sometimes I wish that the gift I am buying for a baby shower, was for my baby. I can’t help but feel slightly jealous when I see a young couple happily shopping for a crib. I can’t help it. But I can pray about it and not let it overpower my life.
I’m afraid of never having a biological child.
It may sound selfish, but I want a baby that is made up of mine and my husband’s DNA. We haven’t ruled out adoption by any means, we are completely open to it. But the cost is outrageous. It’s not easy to “just adopt.”
I hope I don’t come off as a terrible person. But these are just my honest feelings. And I know I’m not alone, especially after talking to several women who are going through the same thing.
And if you know anything about me…you know that this is not written to gain attention, have a pity party, or have anyone feeling sorry for me. This is simply written straight from my heart, to show others a glimpse of how infertility makes us feel.